I kissed the void and crawl straight into its heart

Disowning all I adore
I prayed to hear again
That serpent song
Wishing it would be over

/

So is this the 2019 version of me jotting down my thoughts like I used to in open diary or xanga?

The answer is yes, most fucking definitely. Sure, it makes me feel old as fuck almost 30 years old 'journal-ing' but I also remember how good it felt to write. Even if it was just a teenage dirt bag mentality venting system for me. 

I don't really care or want anyone to know this even exists really. Basically just fulfilling the urge to write in a more stable location than a tattered notebook when the urge strikes. 

Maybe for my own sake for when I look back at this I'll just remind myself my age and recap the moments going on currently. 

So, caved and wanted to write in a "journal" online at 29 years of age. As a way to vent, cope or just analyze my thought process to situations I'm dealing with. Even now I'm currently jotting this all down with a sleeping pit-bull squished against me, while I watch a dumb movie drinking whiskey.
Super mature. 

...

So moving on. 

I'm depressed. HA. Isn't that a shocker. 

I have severe anxiety, depression, body issues, eating issues, self harm issues, and a lot of relationship negativity. Oh and a brief moment of drug use. 

I guess I remind (or disclaim that) because I still haven't always processed a lot that has happened to me. I just repeat it in my head and think that will solve it or at least keep my demons at bay. But as Dexter talks about... I too have a dark passenger and it can be the biggest hindrance in my life. 

I'm currently unemployed looking for a new job. I live with my boyfriend of now 3 years. Hence some of the reason I needed a place to vent via the computer was because of our relationship. We have a very (at times) unstable romance. It's like dark and light at the same time. We have the most beautiful and damaging relationship. Also very codependent. There is so much good but than if we look back, there is a shit ton of bad. And if you account for the years of previous trust issues and the ones that are tied to this relationship now, you can see how it makes things cloudy. 

That is probably the main reason I wanted to write again. The past comes to bite in the ass more than sometimes I would like to account for. 

And so I just wanted a place to vent my thoughts and stop worrying about the past, accept and process the present and look forward to the future. 

When love starts to die
It begins with a kiss
Violently soothing and warm